she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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