at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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