What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
