if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
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