btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Randomize
