Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
