so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
