Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
