The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
