I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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