I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
