I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
