she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Randomize
