mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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