Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
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I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
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Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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