Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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