I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
