Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
