I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
