I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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