I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
