she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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