I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
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