I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
