Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
