This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
