I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
