Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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