Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
