I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
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