Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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