so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Randomize
