All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
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