maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
