so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
