I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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