im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
