if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
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Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
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Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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