I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize