god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
