How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
this hospital has no fireball
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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