I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
