i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
