Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Randomize