I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
