A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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