im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
