i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
