i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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