this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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