My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
