he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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