the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
