Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
