You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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