Umm I'm too high to move.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
