I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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