I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
