I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I'm like, not good at living.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
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