I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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